mom

 

 

my mama at 18.

I said that Mondays would be personal and “all about me”, so here goes.

But I’m afraid that this won’t be a cheery post.

my mom died when I was 11. a little girl. I had just started the 6th grade. she died in october 1999. I was told that over the years the loss would get better i.e. I’d be able to cope with it better. but quite frankly, it does NOT feel that way.

What I have realized is that after the initial shock and tears I became numb. some things happened that I didn’t like. and I realized even more how unconventional my mom was. and the more I missed her. I was also very angry and just didn’t want to deal with my emotions so I buried a lot of the pain.

I miss her so much sometimes that the intensity and sharpness of the grief can sometimes come in sudden outbursts. or it can be as a result of not having good days. those days when all you need is a mom. but I have no one. she isn't here. not physically anyway.

I realize that I am not paying much attention to grammar here, since the emotions are so raw.

this year I’ve decided that I would face the unpleasantness in my life in order to let the light in. but I realize that once the light comes I get sad. because I really just wish she would be here to experience the good with me.

I wish she could meet the love of my life. I wish she could meet my future children. but that wont happen. and then it makes me realize that as I get older the loss becomes more profound.

how do you cope with losing your hero? the one you had planned to repay and appreciate and love unconditionally for all the sacrifices she made?

most people who haven't lost a parent may not understand. but those of you who have will. especially all the girls/women who lost  a mom, especially so young.

I don’t know what the point of this really is. but I just wanted you all to know how I am actually feeling AT THIS MOMENT.

and at this moment, I REALLY MISS MY MOM.